Thursday, August 30, 2012

You Will Be Assimilated

The first noticeable changes shall be in your diet.  One day you will wake up to find that you still consider sushi to be exotic.  You shall be honestly taken aback that your servers at Mexican restaurants speak to you in Mexican accents. You will start to view any meal that is not at least half composed of red meat, including your rushed workaday breakfast, to be intolerably 'hippie'.  While a cup of coffee that tastes like anything will leave you astonished to the point of tears

The next step shall be the growth of a deep bitterness towards the elitist bastards who shop at Target' ordrink Michelob Light instead of Bud Light.  Soon after this you will start driving to places that you can see from your front window and assume out of hand that anyone who walks or bikes is a homeless drug addict.  You shall come to compliment you Black friends for how American they are, how refreshingly different they are from those ghetto kids with their pants around their ankles. 

It shall come to pass that you will be intimidated by any music which does not proclaim your day-to-day life to be the greatest glory of the universe.  You shall come to be disgusted by any film that does not tell you who the good and bad guys are, loudly and directly, over and over and over again.  You shall become vaguely aware that your own denomination is only one of many, yet still be mystified when you learn that other churches and even Jewish temples have fundamentally different practices and beliefs.  Any suggestion that the exploits of a twenty year-old quarterback are not objective proof of your own superior virtue can only be the ravings of the most banshee-screaming insane Satannazi lunatic. 

You find, in the very end, that you still do beleive in such a thing as secret Satanic indoctrination.  If Lady Gaga should come on the radio while you make your lunch, you shall be frozen in terror.  Convinced that at any moment now Satan shall compel you through backwards English (Fowards Arabic?  Have they been the same thing this whole time?!) to saw your own head off with your butterknife. 

You will be assimilated. 

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