Thursday, August 21, 2014

There's A Woman I See About

A smoky look; Afro American I think though perhaps south Asian, thin yet curvy with perpetually somnolent eyes.  Yet it seems obvious that she already has a boyfriend. Alas. 

Why I share this publicly I don't know.  I've never 'believed' in love in the abstract sense.  Though I know it literally exists and I've felt it myself.  And I have never wanted 'a girlfriend' in the abstract.  I have never viewed marriage and children as even a remote theoretical possibility.  I have been completely cold to the idea always and angered whenever a family member spoke of "when" I'd be married as if it was of course the natural human default.  I am very suspicious of those who pursue strong passions, sexual or otherwise,  for the sake of having them or even will themselves into feeling them for the sake of feeling them.  I feel perfectly 'alive' enough idly thinking to myself and perhaps that's a problem though I don't think so. 

Still I have attractions.  I've had relationships that just sort of happened until they died out; freeing me to return to my comfortable norm of solitude.  There are women that I wanted and then either had or didn't and the odd man that I wasn't really attracted to per se but not repulsed by either and one does only live once, after all.  Yet while I say that I admit that I find sex generically pleasant and no better.  I don't find it transcendentally wonderful and on reflection now I realize that this is mainly because I do not want anything to be transcendentally wonderful.  I deplore the thought of any experience having such power over me, especially not if the experience requires another person and is not solely my own.  Take this for what you will.   

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