That is, President Obama actually did regularly trade gay sex for cocaine in his youth. And of course everyone involved here knows damned well that it isn't true, get the fuck out.
But if it were true then well, I do not wish to say that I'm 'okay' with that, because that would imply some mere libertarian neutrality towards trading gay sex for cocaine, and I wish to be very clear that trading gay sex for cocaine is inherently, universally and indisputably virtuous. I am saying that anyone who seeks to be a good person must by definition aspire to trade gay sex for cocaine. I am saying that it is impossible to be historically great, to have one's face on the money a thousand years from now, without having at least once traded gay sex for cocaine as a sacrament to Mohamarx. If I learned that I had twice voted for a man who had never traded gay sex for cocaine I could never truly live with myself again. Thank you, Mia Marie Pope, for allaying my fears. Satan bless.