Love is a Book

I don't 'believe' in love and I have only sporadically enjoyed sex without finding it obnoxious.

Am I against love?  No.  Happiness in others does warm me, somewhat.  I simply don't experience happiness as inherently linked to interaction whether in the form of sex or pub quiz.

Am I against monogamy?  No.  I've felt sexual jealousy myself and have even had a live-in girlfriend. She said she loved me and I loved her too maybe, though on reflection I think it was more the ego boost of being gushed over by someone on my part, plus I needed a roommate for economies of scale and such.   We had a neighbor who sold weed and crank and she fucked him too as I guessed she probably would.  Understand though that this was no dramatic trauma for me.  I wasn't wholly unbothered it was just... well I was mainly just tired see.  We were both really lousy on drugs and I'd rather not get into it more than I already have. 

Am I against marriage?  sort of.  i have a loathing for ritual and tradition that  I confess to be somewhat kneejerk.  The idea of such a thing as one ultimate measure of united love is a fucking illusion maan.  Though again the happiness of others does warm me somewhat. 

What I'm mainly against see is evangelical monogamisoism.

There is nothing to settle down to maaan!

There is no human nature maaan!

There is no authentic self maaan!

There is no intimate core for anyone to touch through any means whatsoever maaan!

There are no touchstones of common experience or desire for anyone to bond over maaan!

I have broken off nascent relationships just to defy people who remarked on how happy I looked now that I had a girlfriend.  This is no joke; and aside from the live-in on no romantic breakup has ever saddened me at any level.

Aside from the live-in one I have never taken a girlfriend home to meet the folks over holidays.  This irks them and they've asked if this is because I'm ashamed of my family.  No.  The fact is that I took no enjoyment in these' women's presence and holidays gave me an excuse to be free of their presence.  Just as adult life gives me an excuse to be free of my family's presence.

Some years ago I had a condom break with a woman I was seeing and she went to a doctor for a pregnancy test.  It was negative and she was maybe being overdramatic but still my mother inquired about this incident for a time, for a long time.  Over Thanksgiving she let slip that she had been 'looking forward' to being an accidental grandmother.  My sister is a confirmed bachelor to and my mother has described herself as heartbroken about not having grandkids.  I do not want to hurt my mother.  I've considered 'coming out' to her on this matter but I don't know myself if I'm actually so confirmed as that and anyway; it's monstrous after her devotion to me through both our lives to say she centers her life on family too much but damnit she does. She centers her life on family too much and presumes that of course everyone must so center their lives too much.  And this has been a tyranny to her and to us kids as well. 

My happiest time in Chicago was when I was between pseudo-relationships, wondering alone.  I did my laundry at a random mat in Rogers Park off the Red Line and then wondered to a black church with a choir and that vital church music.  I felt myself connected to the whole of America in a way I never thought I would, North South East and a little West, Urban and modern yet still smelling of the summer trees of country home the smell of grass and garden our longing and bodacious people timeless from the dawn of the machine age. 

After this event I got drunk and had sex with a stranger after we had broken into someone's car for this purpose.  I liked the church better.  That was the moment in life that I felt most in love and this is the love that shall tangibly survive myself.  Our people will endure; our cities, our travelers, our bohemians, layabouts, neighborhood beauties, our talentless buskers, our American summers, the breeze carrying the scent of entire metropolis and entire hinterland.  I was here too.  And now you know.